The Best Family Time We Never Planned

Over the course of the summer, we've found ourselves taking a number of longer drives with the kids.

No epic road trips or anything like that, but trips considerably longer than our normal back-and-forth around town.

One thing I've come to realize over the last few years is that the car may be one of the last places where our family is naturally together.

Nobody is cleaning the house. Nobody is watching television. Nobody is disappearing into separate rooms. For a little while, we're all simply...there.

As we looked ahead to these longer drives, there was certainly a temptation to hand the kids an iPad or a phone and let them watch a movie or play a game. It would have made the trip easier for them—and if I'm being honest, easier for us too.

But we resisted that urge.

Instead, we made an intentional decision that car rides would remain screen-free.

Part of our thinking is practical. We know that the moment we introduce devices into the car, they will quickly become the expectation. Before long, every drive longer than fifteen minutes would begin with, "Can I have my iPad?"

Maybe that's fine for some families.

For ours, we decided we wanted something different.

Years ago, when my daughter was two and my son was just a few months old, I read Andy Crouch's excellent book The Tech-Wise Family. One idea from the book has stuck with me ever since:

Make car time conversation time.

Or, as I've come to think of it:

Car time is family time.

We've embraced that idea on both short trips and long ones, and I honestly think it's paid huge dividends.

When we're driving the kids to school or shuttling them to soccer practice, we often end up talking about whatever happens to be on their minds. Sometimes it's something that happened during the school day. Sometimes it's a friendship problem. Sometimes it's a question about how the world works.

Those conversations give me a small window into their lives, and I cherish them.

The longer summer drives simply gave us more opportunities.

Sometimes we play "I Spy."

We'll do colors, first letters, rhyming words, or anything else we can think of. It almost always leads to laughter, and quite often it introduces the kids to words or ideas they've never encountered before.

Recently I announced, "I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter T."

After many failed guesses, I revealed the answer.

"A transformer."

"Daaaaaad! That's not fair! What's a transformer?!"

The game immediately turned into a conversation about electricity, power lines, and why neighborhoods need transformers in the first place.

Other times the entertainment creates itself.

Recently my wife, who retired from the Army, decided the kids should learn the Army song. By the end of the two hour ride they had probably sung it fifty times.

It was getting pretty old for sure, but fortunately, parenting teaches you the valuable life skill of hearing without actually listening. 🙂

But if I'm being honest, those fifty practice runs also included plenty of laughter, teasing, encouragement, and family fun. Later that day, the kids proudly performed the whole thing for some family friends.

Those are the kinds of moments I don't think we would have experienced if everyone had been staring at separate screens.

Sometimes we don't play games at all.

Sometimes the kids simply listen while my wife and I talk.

I actually like that.

Kids probably benefit from overhearing thoughtful conversations between adults more than we realize. They ask questions. They jump into the discussion. Sometimes they simply absorb things without saying a word.

Of course, it isn't always perfect.

Sometimes the kids argue.

Sometimes we hear plenty of "Are we there yet?"

Sometimes everyone gets a little restless.

But those moments rarely last very long. Over time, the reality of no devices has simply become part of how our family travels.

The kids don't really expect screens anymore.

They expect that we're going to spend the time together.

Could we make those trips easier by handing everyone a device?

Absolutely.

Myself, I'd probably listen to an audiobook or a podcast. That’d be personally enjoyable for me. 

The kids would probably complain less.

The miles would probably go by a bit faster.

But then I remind myself that the time I have with my kids is limited.

There will come a day when they'll be driving themselves to practice, sitting in the passenger seat with friends instead of us, or flying across the country to begin lives of their own.

These conversations won't last forever.

Neither will the endless games of I Spy.

Even the chorus of "Are we there yet?" will eventually disappear.

Until then, I'd rather protect one of the few places where we're still all together.

For us, the car has become more than transportation.

It's become one of the best places we have to laugh together, learn together, and simply be together.

The best family time, it turns out, was never something we planned.

It was just sitting in the car.