Slacker?

As I've written recently, things at work are currently very slow.

Despite repeatedly asking for additional responsibilities and trying to push important initiatives forward, I often find myself running into the same obstacles: delayed decisions, stalled efforts, risk aversion, and a general reluctance to move things ahead.

The result is that I'm only spending a couple of hours each day doing what I would consider "real work."

Each morning I identify one or two things that I believe will genuinely move the effort forward. I complete them, send them off for review, and then wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

While I'm waiting, I keep an eye on my email, hoping for feedback, direction, or a decision that will allow the next step to begin.

In many ways, this is an enviable situation.

I have flexibility.

I have low stress.

I have time.

But it doesn't sit well with me.

I've never been someone who enjoys sitting around doing nothing for very long. A day or two of downtime after a demanding project can be refreshing. Beyond that, I start getting restless.

I like solving problems.

I like building things.

I like making progress.

I'm even the person who starts feeling anxious after spending too much time chatting around the office coffee machine. After a few minutes, I inevitably start thinking:

Because of that mindset, I've spent much of the last few months feeling like a slacker.

Like I'm not doing enough.

Like I'm not contributing enough.

Like I'm somehow falling short.

Then something strange happens.

I walk into a weekly project meeting.

I share the handful of things I've worked on.

And my clients are blown away.

They're impressed.

They're appreciative.

They thank me for the work I've done.

The reaction often feels completely disconnected from my own perception of reality.

What feels like a relatively small amount of effort to me is viewed by others as meaningful progress.

And that has forced me to ask an uncomfortable question:

Am I underperforming?

Or are my standards simply much higher than those of the people around me?

The answer is probably somewhere in the middle.

I've always held myself to fairly high standards. I like producing quality work. I like being dependable. I like moving things forward.

At the same time, I've come to realize that what feels "normal" to me may not actually be normal.

The things I consider basic professionalism, initiative, or follow-through may be less common than I assume.

That's a strange realization.

Part of me still wants to do more.

I want the organization to move faster.

I want people to take ownership.

I want more urgency.

I want higher expectations.

But another part of me wonders whether I'm measuring myself against the wrong standard.

Maybe the reason I feel like a slacker has less to do with my actual performance and more to do with the expectations I've created for myself.

That's not an excuse to lower my standards.

But it is a reminder that there are two scorecards in every job.

There's the scorecard in your head.

And there's the scorecard everyone else is using.

Lately, I've been failing the first one while exceeding the second.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with that.